The Little Things
Life can be overwhelming. Chores, bills, emergencies, relationships, rinse & repeat. It's easy to feel like you're drowning. I have taken a break from Flowering Fox this summer to get a handle on my health (mental and physical). I needed to recenter myself. I desire to be a person that finds joy in the small moments. I want to be excited about picking apples with my little ones, eating a bowl of ice cream, enjoying a hot cup of coffee, or having a five minute phone call with a good friend. I needed to take a step back from work to give myself room to learn how to enjoy these little moments. It is so easy to become addicted to the attention, work and achievements. Sometimes I can make myself feel so inferior for not doing as much as another maker or mother. I am my own worst critic, and my kids see that. My son is 4 and on the spectrum. We have made charts and visuals that help him understand his emotions, our facial expressions and give him a chance to express what he is feeling. He was almost non-verbal about 18 months ago, and as you can imagine there was plenty of frustration to go around. As of late, he will bring me his chart not just to explain how he feels, but to let me know that I am upset or anxious. He has told me "Mom, you look anxious." or "You're frustrated. Let's listen to music." This struck me. It kind of feels like a ton of rocks have be put on your chest. These little people are watching my every move.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with them seeing me anxious, sad, frustrated, etc. They need to see that side of reality to learn how to cope with it. (i.e. why my son suggested we listen music when he noticed I was frustrated). However, it was all the time. It felt like every day one of my kids was saying that I looked sad, anxious, or frustrated. This broke my heart. I want them to remember me as being happy, involved and calm. I want them to see a strong mom. I want the majority of their days in these early years to be as full of joy as they can be.
For the past 3 years, we have gone apple picking in early August at the same orchard by our house to pick Gingergolds. Fall is the best time of year in my opinion. I love to celebrate harvest season. It struck me this past trip that I am the person I desire to be. I am that person that shows my kids to be excited about little things. It's just that my priorities were skewed. I was being heavily impacted by non-important and irrelevant little things. The thoughts that "so & so is a better mom, maker, etc" were consuming me. My physical pain was consuming me. The housework that kept piling up because I wasn't well enough to keep up with it was consuming me. All of these little things were taking top priority in my heart & mind. Believe me when I say it was showing.
Taking a step back has fully allowed me to refocus and be here to cheer on my kids as they learn to pee in the potty or squeal out of joy that they found a big caterpillar in the apple tree! Being brave enough to say "this is our new reality, and I have to accept that" after being diagnosed with hypothyroidism is one of the best reactions I could have had. I was able to show my kids that life throws us curveballs, but that doesn't mean we have to stay in those anxious, sad and frustrated spots. We can choose to be happy, find joy and celebrate despite what we might want to do. I write this in hopes that it is encouragement to you. I hope this fills you with some hope and promise that it is ok. I have been practicing a lot of self-acceptance. I still have to ride the waves of emotion and practice saying "I feel a little anxious, and that's ok."
