Motherhood and Mental Health

Just a forewarning: I will be talking about depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. If you have a hard time with any of these subjects, please don't keep reading. I am trying to approach each of these subjects with as much delicacy as I can. My intentions are not to cause any harm. Please, if you are having suicidal thoughts or behaviors call this number below. You are important, and your life matters. National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

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Motherhood is hard. I think all moms can agree on that. We live it every single day. No matter how tough it can be - there are still so many things we can be thankful for. However, sometimes our minds can get in the way making it much hard to feel joy when our kids laugh, when they hold our hands, when they say "I love you." I wanted to talk a little bit about mental illness, and the great impact it has had on me as a person and a mother. I am incredibly passionate about mental health. It affects every aspect of our lives, or at least it does mine. I cannot express the immense mom guilt I carry or how many days I spent laying in bed crying while my son laid next to me watching videos on the phone. I was so, so, so sad. I felt completely blown off by most of my community. People wanted to say I would get used to this, I would be ok, the toddler years are so hard. For the first 15 months of my son's life, I cried every single day. I had thoughts of suicide, felt like everyone would be better off without me, and just really hated being here. I realize now that my history of extreme depression should have been a big red flag for all of my midwives, but it wasn't. They just told me that I maybe had some mild PPD, but that's it. That's it. So that's it, right? I am just a little sad. A little tired. A little suicidal because of some mild PPD. That's it. Ok, then. That was when the spiral really started. I lost myself entirely. We had just moved to a new location in the middle of nowhere, and had no support. It was incredibly isolating, and very easy to let my depression take over. I truly was a slave to it. I knew these thoughts weren't normal. I knew my behavior wasn't normal. I knew I was sick, but I really didn't know what to do about it. I have guilt about that on a regular basis. I often feel like that first year of my son's life was taken away from me. I wish that I could remember it with fondness, but I really try to avoid thinking about it. I have always been anxious and sad. I am definitely a very emotional beast. I always have been. I don't ever want that to change. I am currently in the process of figuring out where I would like to go to therapy, and trying to take charge of my mental well-being for myself and my family. Where I stand now is a much healthier place. I can't really tell you all the little things that have happened over the past 3 years to get me out of that place. I can tell you a few things that have helped me to cope. They will not necessarily work for you, and they are not necessary for you to do. They have all helped me in different ways, and so I just wanted to share these things with you. Please do not take it as a professional guideline or that you have to do this things: *SEEK HELP! Above all, seek professional help. Seriously. Go to your doctor, go to a therapist, call the national suicide prevention hotline. Please seek help. Don't be afraid to take medicine or do whatever you have to. It is most important that you are here to fight another day. ​

*Talk to someone. Find a friend or family member or doctor that you trust and tell them where you are at. It suddenly makes what's happening a lot more real, but a little less scary. (STILL SCARY AS HELL, but a bit less.) *Find something that makes you happy, or at least quiets your mind for a few minutes. Just gives you a mental break. My things are walks in nature, knitting, illustrating or taking baths. I fully understand that you may have no energy to do these things. I totally understand that you may feel guilty for enjoying these things. *Eat a healthy diet, and try to exercise. I find that making the effort to treat my body well makes a huge difference in my mental state. *Find someone who you can confine in without judgement, who you can call crying, who will bring you coffee when you have had a bad day, who will send you postcards, who will sit in silence with you. Just find someone who cares. *Journaling has been an amazing experience for me. It's a chance to work through my thoughts and emotions. Keep writing and expressing yourself. *Find a creative outlet (whether it be knitting or going to the movies), do something that is creative. I knit like an insane person when I was going through this stage because it was the only thing that gave my mind a minute to stop. To leave me alone and be quiet. None of these things I have suggested are a cure. None of them are going to help you overnight. The truth is I still have to figure out how I am doing every single morning. Sometimes every hour. Some days I am on top of the world, and other's I have to sit in my PJs and cry. Here are some questions I ask myself to check in on a regular basis: *How are you today?

*Have you taken time to yourself? *Do you have a support system? *Do you have a mom friend you can confide in? *Where are you at? I think all of us should take charge of our mental well-being. Especially moms and women. I feel like the culture has not changed drastically from the time when women were just diagnosed with "hysteria". It is ok to admit you're sick. It is ok from everything not to be ok. It is ok to seek help. I wish that somebody would have told me that a long time ago. I want to stop right here, in this place. I am doing better now, but it has been a journey. I want to continue this conversation together. I plan on addressing a few more issues and to dig a little deeper into this topic.