Vices and Identity

Last week, I shared a picture of me smoking on an IG story. I wanted to do this to catch your attention, but I also LOVE these pictures that one of my best friends helped take. One of my greatest vices used to be smoking. YES, I fully understand that it isn't good for me. NO, I do not actively smoke anymore. I quit right into my Sophomore year of college. I was never an avid smoker. Like would have a pack for a few months. But I knew I needed to stop. It was weird, though. Right after I stopped, I felt an intense identity crisis. I was only a smoker for a few short years. But it had become very tangled into my identity. I wanted to get some artsy, fartsy pictures of my smoking to recap that time in my life. Help me better reflect on that person I was before my kids. When I felt I had identity. (And truth be told, I'm a little obsessed of Cole Sprouse and his artsy smoking pics). I quit smoking in the spring before my wedding, and then found out we were expecting a few weeks after our wedding. I left school. All of these things that gave me a sense of identity were gone. Very quickly. But I was pregnant. That was my new identity. Then I had my baby boy, and I was a new mama. That was my identity. As I walked through that first year of motherhood (more like trudged), I had very intense PPD and my anxiety disorder was through the roof. My son didn't sleep EVER. Like would be awake for 48 to 72 hours at a time with maybe an hour or two of sleep in there, if I was lucky. I rapidly felt this sense of self vanish. I started binge watching TV, eating junk food and lashed out at everyone. This made me feel a little better. But it wasn't sustainable, right or healthy. That was around the same time I started knitting NON-STOP. It kept me as sane as I was going to be that year. It was a really hard year. It left me feeling out of control and a bit hopeless. It's still a very tender memory in my heart. That season of my life is partially why I wanted this pictures. I wanted to try to capture right before that dark time when I felt really happy and a lot of peace. After this impromptu photoshoot, I realized something very important - often times our identity and our vices go hand in hand. A lot of people pick up something to help them fill out who they are or who they want to be. And a lot of us hide those things at the same time. This is definitely a correlation does not mean causation type of deal.

Presently, I go out about once every couple of months and will walk around while smoking some herbal cigarettes from Brown Bear Herbs. It makes me feel calm, it helps me remember that I am not just a mama but also a woman. I am Amber. I am also mom. I am also friend. I am also sister. I am also daughter. But for some reason taking the time to go walk by myself and enjoy one of those smokes reminds me that I am Amber. AND, I don't need to do it all the time. I don't need to smoke every day. I don't even need to smoke on those walks. I just like it, and that's ok.

Anyways, I will wrap this up by saying it's okay if you're struggling. It is ok if you have a vice right now. It is ok if you don't quite know who you are. I'm not positive any of us truly know who we are because we change from day to day. ESPECIALLY US MAMAS. We have to keep up with our little ones and change as the change to suit their present needs. You will be ok. You will have days that you're not struggling. You'll have days where you don't need a vice. Some days you gotta go on a walk by yourself and smoke your fancy herbal cigarette.